CHARLOTTE — A teenager glued to their cell phone, oblivious to who or what’s around them: It’s a common source of frustration for parents.
Cell phones and social media permeate our lives, and many Charlotte-area Catholic parents have told their school leaders that they struggle with helping their teens find a healthy balance. In response, the Mecklenburg Area Catholic Schools Board, in partnership with the Diocese of Charlotte’s Catholic Schools Office, brought together experts earlier this week to help inform and empower parents.
TEENS AND SOCIAL MEDIA
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says two-thirds of teens aged 13-17 have mobile devices with internet access and on average, teens report being online almost nine hours a day, not including homework time. Eight out of 10 teens have at least one social media profile, and over half report visiting a social media site at least daily.
Social media has benefits, including connecting with friends and family, making new friends, sharing interests, finding support, expressing ideas and creativity, and learning about current events.
But what MACS parents said they were concerned about are the negative aspects of excessive social media use – especially on teens’ mental health.
“Social media has become a behemoth many parents don't know how to guard against or feel so overwhelmed, they have given up,” said MACS Board President Beth Sullivan. “The MACS Board saw a need to help address parents' social media concerns in a way that is inclusive of all schools and across elementary, middle and high school grades.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Hundreds of MACS parents heard from a panel of experts May 2 in a special forum hosted at the MACS Fine Arts Center.
Dr. Myra Preston, a Charlotte-area neurophysiologist, explained that human brains aren’t fully developed until around the age of 22, especially the parts of the brain that govern judgment, emotional intelligence and impulse control.
Adolescent brains “are still under construction,” Preston said, and excessive social media use has been shown to cause hypersensitivity in teen brains.
Dr. Joy Granetz, a pediatric neuropsychologist, told parents to look out for behavioral “red flags” with their teens: withdrawal or isolation, feelings of depression or anxiety, chronic fatigue, addictive or compulsive behavior, and resistance to putting their phones down to spend time on other activities.
There’s no one set of rules or standard for every teen, Granetz cautioned, so “it’s really important to know your child – know their specific personality.”
Bill Keese, a veteran counselor at Holy Trinity Middle School, said he has seen the impacts of social media use on students over the years – both good and bad. Social media spurs connection and creativity, Keese noted, but the harmful effects of excessive use breeds negative comparisons to their classmates and feelings of being excluded.
“Every adolescent is trying to fit in,” he said.
Father Peter Ascik, director of the diocese’s Family Life Office, agreed with Keese that social media touches on our fundamental needs to be loved and to belong. So it’s important to put social media in the broader perspective of children’s spiritual and social formation, he said, so they develop good habits of reflection, wisdom and self-control – “habits of choosing wisely, consistently, freely, joyfully.”
“As parents, a very important role is to help your children develop these virtues, so they can be the author of their own life,” he said.
And he noted with a smile, “social media is not necessary for survival or for salvation.”
PARENTS REACT POSITIVELY
That comment really stood out to parents after the discussion.
Janet Riggs and Liliana Salas, who each have daughters in middle school, said they appreciated hearing the panelists’ viewpoints as they consider how and when to allow social media.
Gossip, misunderstood text messages that cause hurt feelings, negative comparisons to unrealistic images of beauty online – these issues worry the two moms, so they want to set boundaries and encourage their daughters to develop “authentic relationships.”
“How do we create healthy boundaries for our kids? How can they use technology and take advantage of it, but in a healthy way?” Riggs said.
“I want her to put her phone down on her own,” Salas said.
The changing digital landscape – new apps, convoluted privacy settings, constant distractions – make it challenging for any parent to stay on top of this issue, MACS parent Kelly Warnement said. She gained information “in learning how to navigate technology with our kids.”
All three parents said they would like to have more discussions like this.
Dr. Greg Monroe, the diocese’s superintendent of schools, told parents that the diocese’s schools have a multilayered approach to internet safety, but these efforts alone cannot keep students safe. “Parents are the primary educators of their children,” Monroe said, so it’s important for parents to stay informed and set ground rules for their kids.
“This event is a great example of a common challenge that we all recognize: the impact of social media on our students’ development, and what we as parents and educators should do to address, monitor and guide social media’s impacts on our young people.”
— Patricia L. Guilfoyle
6 TIPS FOR PARENTS
While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach for teens’ cell phone use, experts offer this basic advice:
• Set limits: Limit the time each day your teen uses their cell phone. Three hours or less per day is a general guide. Set limits on what sites or content they can access. Set aside situations when phones are not allowed (such as family meals and outings, or Sundays). Social media accounts should be set to private.
• Monitor use: Familiarize yourself with your teen’s cell phone parental controls and privacy settings on apps. Have access to your teen’s phone, and routinely monitor your teen’s social media activity. Teens should not be allowed to have any account – social media or otherwise – that parents do not have to access to.
• Grow over time: Most social media networks set a minimum age of 13. Delay giving your teen a cell phone until they need one and are mature enough to understand and follow your rules. Start younger teens off with a phone that has just the basics: call, text, map, weather and calculator.
• Define expectations: When you do decide to give your child a cell phone, create a cell phone “contract” with them – many examples are available online. Set reasonable rules you all can agree on. Post it in a visible spot (like the refrigerator) for accountability, and set consequences up front for breaking the rules.
• Have regular conversations: Talk often and honestly with your teen about cell phones and social media use – and really listen to them. Have regular “microconversations” rather than one big talk. Don’t be afraid to ask them what they’re doing and how their apps work.
• Don’t reward: Don’t use social media or cell phone access as a reward for good behavior. Instead, reward your teen for doing things other than spending time online – getting extra sleep, playing outside, reading a book, etc.
LEARN MORE
• www.faithandsafety.org: Sponsored in part by the USCCB, this site has tips about internet safety, model cell phone contracts, parental control apps, checklists to guide parents’ conversations with their teens, and more.
• www.healthychildren.org: The American Academy of Pediatrics’ website for parents has resources such as family media plans teens can co-create with their parents, to replace frequent negotiations about device use.
• www.commonsensemedia.org: This non-profit organization has information about age and content appropriateness of video games and other media.