Christians are often advised against complaining. St. Bernadette said, “I must die to myself continually and accept trials without complaining.” St. Macarius warns, “Watch out for complaining. It only makes situations worse and increases sorrow.” In a September 2013 interview published in America magazine, Pope Francis said, “Complaining never helps us find God.”
This advice is sound. Often our complaints arise from a lack of humility. Our egos are offended, or we desire attention or affirmation. Complaining about others easily devolves into gossip or calumny, which are serious sins (see the Catechism of the Catholic Church 2475-2479). It is easy to see why the scriptures so often warn against “grumbling” (see 1 Cor 10:10, Phil 2:14, James 5:9 and 1 Pt 4:9). Christians are called to give cheerfully, suffer quietly, endure trials with joy and give thanks in all things. Complaining doesn’t seem to fit with the program.
But what if there is a legitimate situation that needs addressing? And what about the therapeutic value of “blowing off steam”? St. Francis de Sales dealt with this ever-relevant topic way back in 1609 in his “Introduction to the Devout Life.”
He also admonishes us to “complain as little as possible of the wrongs which are done to you; for it is certain that ordinarily he who complains sins.” But “as little as possible” does not mean never and “ordinarily” does not mean every time. He acknowledges that it may at times be expedient to complain to someone “either to redress the injury or to tranquilize your spirit.” But we need to be prudent about who we complain to.
“Above all do not complain to such persons as are prone to wax indignant and to think evil.” These people, the saint says, will not ease our trouble but provoke it further. “Instead of removing the thorn which is pricking you, they will drive it deeper into your foot.” He advises that we complain instead to “such persons as are peaceable and love God.”
In other words, we want to complain to people who can calm us down, not rile us up. Complaining to a peaceable person can allow us to blow off steam but complaining to someone who loves conflict only enflames our passions.
I would add to the saint’s advice that if we are complaining about a wrong that needs addressing, we should make our complaint dispassionately to those who are in a position to address the matter. In all cases we should seek to avoid gossip and certainly not complain to people prone to gossip themselves.
St. Francis de Sales also warns against a wrong way of not complaining. He writes, “Many when they are sick, afflicted, or offended by anyone, refrain from actually complaining… but they desire extremely, and by diverse artifices contrive, that others should sympathize with them, feel great compassion for them, and esteem them not only afflicted but patient and courageous.” In other words, while we might not complain about our burden, we want others to see us not complaining so take every opportunity to call attention to our suffering. We want to appear to be a martyr, which is a form of pride. St. Francis calls this “a false patience which is in fact no other thing than a very fastidious and very subtle ambition and vanity.”
Does this mean we have to suffer in silence? No, but we should be humble and honest, not making our problems out to be smaller or greater than they are. “The truly patient man does not complain of his ill, nor does he seek for sympathy; he speaks of it unaffectedly, truthfully and simply, without murmur, without complaint, and without exaggeration: if he be pitied, he patiently suffers himself to be pitied.” By neither hiding nor calling undue attention to your difficulty, St. Francis says you will “remain peaceful betwixt truth and patience.”
As parting wisdom, St. Francis de Sales references John 16:21: “When a woman is in labor, she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she is delivered of the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a child is born into the world.” As Christians, we have conceived Christ in our soul and are now laboring to deliver Him. We can expect this to involve many pains, but we will know unending joy on that great day when Christ has been fully formed in our hearts.
For now, “when you are sick, offer all your sufferings, pains and weariness to the service of Our Lord, and beseech Him to join them to the torments which He suffered for you.”
Deacon Matthew Newsome is the Catholic campus minister at Western Carolina University and the regional faith formation coordinator for the Smoky Mountain Vicariate. He and his family are parishioners at St. Mary Mother of God Church in Sylva. He blogs about ministry, spirituality and the Catholic faith at www.testeverythingblog.com.